Friday, October 21, 2011

DONE!!!

Tuesday, October 18, was my last day of radiation treatment!  It is really hard to absorb the fact that my cancer treatment is over (except the tamoxifen, which I'll take for five years).  As with every other part of this intense journey, I'm experiencing a lot of emotional ups and downs right now.  Of course I am thrilled and relieved that I'm done, that I have two months 'off' now to just BE, and then I get to have my reconstruction before the end of the year.  But mostly right now I feel fear and uncertainty...fear that now that treatment is done, the cancer could come back (or a new cancer could start) at any time...uncertainty about my future.  I'm afraid to get too attached to my new hair...what if I just have to lose it all over again?  Afraid to think too much about being done, about it being over...because what if it's not?  I keep hearing that I should think positively...so I will try...but it is very hard.  I think it will get easier with time, but I believe I will always have this fear in me which will rear its head periodically.  I continue to attend the monthly support group for breast cancer moms, and it is very helpful...but I might need to find another group that meets more frequently.

The radiation sure did a number on my skin.  It wasn't bad until the 5th week...then things got pretty yucky.  Think bad sunburn times 100.  Dark, dark purplish-red, shards of brown skin peeling away, raw pink skin underneath.  Painfully prickly/itchy.  But it's already so much better than last week...it's healing fast.  The last 8 treatments were 'boosts', which focused only on the scar...so the rest of the area has been healing for a while now, and is doing much better.  I was worried, when I realized how bad it was getting, that it wouldn't be healed in time for my reconstruction, but both the radiation oncologist and the plastic surgeon have said they are sure it will be fine. 

The last week of radiation was complicated by a fever, which lasted over a week actually, and a really bad cough.  It brought back some bad memories of when I had the neutropenic fever during chemo, and the bad cough I had then that lasted 6 weeks.  My radiation oncologist ordered a chest x-ray, to rule out pneumonia, and put me on antibiotics just in case...but it was probably just some nasty virus.  I am finally feeling mostly better...still some coughing fits, but the fever is gone and my energy is returning.  I saw Dr. Kim, who recommended some new remedies...oral colloidal silver, and two homeopathic tinctures (one made of mushrooms---who knew mushrooms have anti-cancer properties?!).  I think the colloidal silver helped kick the virus...and the tinctures are something I will take long-term as cancer-fighters. 

I had a lovely little last-day-of-radiation celebration, a mom's-night-out at the Cheesecake Factory with a bunch of wonderful friends.  Thanks everyone who came, for helping me mark this special day, and for letting me share some of my not-so-happy feelings, and for being so supportive!  And for writing me positive thoughts and affirmations to put around the house...they are going to be so helpful.  Nathan also brought me a beautiful bouquet of roses, and chocolate-dipped strawberries, to celebrate the day.  It was wonderful, the next day, not having to go to the hospital for any reason!  I have a couple of appointments coming up in the next few weeks...but overall, it's going to be a lovely doctor-free period of time.

Thank you all for your continued support.  I will keep you posted, and will of course let you know how the next surgery goes.  Three down (chemo, mastectomy, radiation), one to go (reconstruction)!
Love you all,
Liz