Hello Blog, I haven't seen you in a long while!  I just suddenly felt like writing a post today.  It's a little over a year since I finished radiation...my neighbor is about to start her radiation treatments tomorrow, so that got me remembering again.  Not that I ever really forget! 

I am feeling good these days.  Here's what's new: 
I'm working full time, as a Kindergarten assistant at India's school--I love it, but do miss being with Griffin, and miss being able to go to support group; 
I have seen everyone from my team over the past few months, and all seems fine and good--I'm seeing my oncologist twice a year now, but now need only an annual visit to the breast surgeon and radiation oncologist; 
Not quite done with the plastic surgeon, though...I'm scheduled for one more little mini-surgery coming up in January, for a bit more 'fat grafting' to round out the breasts, after which I can finally have the nipple tattood;
And...suddenly last week I started to have lymphedema in my hand and arm--I'm now wearing a compression bandage to get the swelling down, and then will be fitted for a sleeve/glove that I'll have to wear all the time, at least for a few months.  It's rather hard to function with this bandage from finger tips to upper arm, but I think it's working...along with a manual lymph-drainage massage that the physical therapist does, and that I do myself at home.  This is what comes of losing 27 lymph nodes, I guess.

Emma graduated from college and now has a job, a shared house, and a new boyfriend...she seems very happy.  Lily is in middle school now, and loves it...she's doing so well there.  India is rocking second grade...she has a great teacher.  Both Lily and India played soccer this fall, and are enjoying their contemporary dance class.  Griffin is now at a Montessori preschool two days a week...he cries a little when we drop him off, but then has a lot of fun there.  The other days he is watched at home by Dad and Grandparents.  We are all feeling very lucky to be healthy and blessed...and very very lucky to have escaped any damage from hurricane Sandy.

I have to say, I was tremendously relieved that President Obama was re-elected!  The threat of 'Obamacare' getting repealed was very stressful to me...I was very worried about the possibility of losing my health insurance.   Not to mention all the other horrible possibilities if the teapublicans gained control.  So, lots of happiness and relief here lately. 

Peace, love, and health to all,
Liz

Old Tummy, New Tummy

Just thought I'd post a before-and-after comparison of my tummy...my 'silver lining'.

Before the DIEP:

After the DIEP:

When you're feeling lonely, lost and let down
Seems like those dark skies are following you around
And life's just one big shade of gray
You wonder if you'll see the light of day

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds

I've heard it said that this too shall pass
Good times or bad times, neither one lasts
But thinking that your luck won't ever change
Is like thinking it won't ever stop once it starts to rain

Behind the clouds, the sun is shining
Believe me even though you can't quite make it out
You may not see the silver lining
But there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
Yeah, there's a big blue sky waiting just behind the clouds
-Brad Paisley

New Nipple

Here's another nipple update: yesterday I had my one-week post-surgery appointment, and saw the new nipple for the first time.  The nurse warned me it would look a bit scary at this point...and she was right.  It is probably the most gruesome thing I've seen on my body.  I don't think I can adequately describe it...it's purple and white, scabby, with sutures sticking out all over.  Me no like-y.  After removing the dressing and revealing the thing, the nurse then proceeded to poke it all around with a needle, to make sure it could bleed (which would indicate that it was getting good blood flow)...it did.  I am told it will look much better with time, and eventually can be tattooed so the color will look more natural.  The bruising from the lipo is much better this week, it's turning yellow and there is a lot less pain...and my tummy scar looks a lot nicer now (the doctor did some revision to smooth it out).  I'm feeling quite good this week physically, nearly back to how I was before this surgery.  Looking forward to:  Emma coming home for her spring break (and celebrating her 22nd birthday), getting back to Zumba class next week, planning Griffin's 2nd birthday party (train theme), and trying out some hypnotherapy courtesy of Tammi McKinley (my awesome midwife) and Sunflowers Healing and Wellness (hopefully will help me process the emotional stuff I'm going through).  Also looking forward to a life with no more surgery!
Love to you all,
Liz

Nipple News

Just a quick update to say that my surgeon called with the pathology results on the removed nipple...all clear, no sign of cancer.  A relief, since I was a bit worried that keeping it for so long would turn out to be bad.  Meanwhile, I'm finding out just how painful recovering from liposuction is...and realizing that I can feel pain in my nipples, even though I thought the whole area was completely numb.  But I'm able to get by without the percoset (which was making me loopy), just taking some Tylenol and trying not to move around too much.  Hopefully in a few more days I'll be back on my feet.
-Liz

Nipple and Tuck

My (hopefully) last surgery is over; I had the 'nipple and tuck' yesterday.  It turns out that liposuction is extremely painful!  Dr. Davison lipo'd  my hips and a bit on my lower back, and then used the fat to round out my breasts...and everywhere that got lipo'd is now terribly bruised and sore.  He also removed the right nipple, reconstructed it using the abdominal skin grafts he saved from the last surgery, and also lifted up the left breast to be more even with the right, moving that nipple up in the process.  So both nipples areas and both hip areas are quite painful right now, and the percoset doesn't seem to be helping much.  I'm taking lots of arnica, hoping that will help with the bruising.  I ended up spending the entire day in the hospital yesterday, because I had an extreme reaction to the anesthesia...I spent the day vomiting, and was very groggy...so they kept me in post-op for a lot longer than usual.  None of the anti-nausea drugs seemed to work for me this time.  But today all nausea is gone, and I'm eating normally again.  Really glad it's all over.  It's hard again for Griffin, because he doesn't understand why he can't climb on me and hug me...and hard for me not to be able to cuddle him...but just touching the affected areas gently really hurts, and Griffin is not usually very gentle.  But I should be feeling much better after a few more days.  Then all that's left is to get the new nipple/areola tattooed eventually (so it will look more realistic in color). 
So now that this final leg of the journey is over, I'm not sure if I'll write any more on this blog...I'll have to see if I feel the need to keep expressing myself in this way.  But I want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has been reading it, and sending me prayers and healing thoughts.  It has been very therapeutic  to be able to write about my experience.  I would be happy if my blog could some day help other women diagnosed with breast cancer...so please feel free to pass it along if you know anyone who might benefit from reading it.  I know for me it has been helpful to learn from other breast cancer survivors, both in person through the support group, and by reading blogs and books. 
Love to you all,
Liz

Six Weeks Later...And One Year Later...

It's been six weeks since my reconstruction surgery.  I'm feeling pretty good now, but it has taken the full six to recover, and I'm still not all the way there.  Just this week I have been able to pick up and carry Griffin short distances, but it does tire me out and my tummy will hurt afterward.  There is no way I can carry him in a backpack or sling, which is what I would normally do with a squirmy toddler.  But I am back to walking the girls to and from school most days, doing light household chores, and this coming week I'm even going to try returning to Zumba class.

I still can't get over my sudden flat stomach...it just amazes me that I went down two pant sizes overnight.  The weird thing is, now I kind of miss my mummy tummy, or at least the visible evidence that I carried and gave birth to four beautiful babies.  First my breasts were gone, now this...kind of feels like the physical parts of me most connected with being a mother have been erased. But mostly, despite the long scar, I am quite pleased with my new silhouette.

My new breasts are okay, soft and natural-feeling (especially compared to the expanders) although the radiated one feels a bit tight and lumpy...but they are a work-in-progress.  The left one is noticeably lower than the right, and will be lifted up a bit; the right nipple will be removed and reconstructed; and a little fat will be 'rearranged' from certain areas and used to round out the right one.  The pieces of abdominal skin that are now on my breasts, which make them look patch-work-y, will be used in the nipple recon, so afterward they will be gone and I'll just have one clean incision line...much better-looking.  All this will happen during my "nipple and tuck" surgery, on February 29.  It will be at VA Hospital Center again, but it will be a short procedure with no over-night stay and only a week recovery.  If you can, send me some positive vibes on leap day!

January 18 was my one-year-from-diagnosis anniversary.  It did not feel like a victory, as I'm sure a five-year anniversary will feel...rather, I felt very emotional, and kept reliving everything in my mind and feeling the trauma all over again.  It helped immensely to go out to lunch that day with two amazing friends, Sara and Jessica, which took my mind off things.  Nathan brought me flowers and a card to cheer me up.  But later that evening, I realized that a pain I'd been feeling in one of my vertebrae for a couple of weeks was actually worse than I thought, especially when I put pressure on it, and I suddenly decided to worry that it was a bone metastasis (I had just heard that hormone-receptor-positive breast cancer is more likely to metastasize to the bone, and the spine is one of the places it commonly does it).  I emailed my oncologist, and she had me come in the next day.  She didn't seem too worried, and advised me to try taking ibuprofen for five days to see if that made the pain go away; and she wrote me a prescription for a bone scan in case the pain was still there in two weeks.  The ibuprofen did seem to help...the pain nearly went away completely...but it is still there, so I'm keeping vigilant and will maybe schedule that scan if I still feel it at the end of this week.  It's a constant struggle...my mind is always vacillating between being sure that the cancer is going to come back, and being sure that it can't possibly happen to me.  I have a feeling the one-year anniversary of my first chemo (Feb 22) is going to be even harder to get through, as that marks the very last time I was able to nurse Griffin. 

My lovely children and wonderful husband and amazing parents are all doing well; I am a lucky woman to have had such a great family to help me during my recovery.  I'm so glad it's over!  And I couldn't have done it without everyone's help and support...thanks to all of you who brought meals, donated money, visited, called, and sent prayers and thoughts...it all means so much to me.
Love you all,
Liz